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(See part one here.) What you allow into your ears effects your moods & attitudes. Keith is so good about putting good music on for our family during dinner or on Sunday morning as we prepare for church. It helps put good thoughts in our heads & a song in our hearts as we go about our business. I haven’t been so faithful at remembering this lately, but when you sense attitude problems cropping up in your home, try putting on some good music & see what happens. Everyone has different tastes in music, but something with Scripture is always appropriate. Whether it be children’s music or guitar, or whatever, it will change the mood of your home.
Have you ever thought about the attitudes your TV is promoting? Okay, this is gonna sound a bit prudish, but it’s a good example. We don’t want our kids to watch the live action Charlotte’s Web for just this reason. First of all the cartoon is CLASSIC & great as is. Not only that, but the new version gives Fern a crumby attitude toward her father. It’s been a while since I saw it, but I remember being disheartened by what they did to her – made her disrespectful toward her dad over killing the pig, making the dad look really bad. Your kids will imitate what they see & hear. It just happens!
The same thing happens to us, we just think we’re too grown up for it. The problem with that is, if we see bad attitudes, etc. & decide we can “handle it” & go on watching the shows that promote that stuff, our sensitivity to it fades & we get hardened to it. If the kids are around, no matter how young, they are effected by it as well. You probably don’t watch soap operas because of the “trash”, but what about the trashy attitude in that sitcom or movie? Does the woman in the show you’re watching come off looking smarter than the man? Does the show always make the man out to look like the ignorant fool? Do you want to think/feel that way about the man God gave you? Do you want your kids doing that to their daddy? Than we shouldn’t be allowing that attitude in our homes no matter where it comes from. We don’t let the kids call each other stupid, but we watch women on TV do the same thing in multiple ways to their men? Why? Is that really funny?
I find it interesting how our culture lets shows do that to men, but let them try putting on a show making women out to be the fool every time & see how long it’s on the air. The woman is always right. Even in commercials! Watch them & see the ratio where women dominate & men are put down vs. women being the brunt of end of the joke. Don’t you think that effects you & your attitude? Do you enjoy shows where the woman is always the buxom dumb bimbo? What do you think your man is feeling if/when you watch shows where the man is being disrespected & trashed constantly?
We need to be just as vigilant about the attitudes in shows & movies as we are about the language. There are a boatload of supposedly children’s shows & movies out there that have really horrible role models for our kids in how to respect authority. Keep that in mind as you watch shows with your children. Do you want them to act like what they are seeing?
Now for the next step: keep attitudes in mind as you choose your shows this week. If they are disrespectful to men (which most of them are), why are you allowing your mind to go there & be exposed/hardened to that? Could it be that those shows are giving you some of the disrespectful attitudes toward your husband you might be battling? Maybe. Why not take a week off of all media & see. Replace that time with Scripture reading &/or Scripture music & see if your attitude changes. Ask God to open your eyes to even subtle disrespect in your media choices that you’ve allowed to creep into your home. I’ll be doing this one right along with you – let’s see what happens!
Matthew 12:34 – “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.”
Ephesians 5:1,2 – “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Ephesians 4:22,23 – “throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.”
Philippians 4:8 – “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
This will have to be another two part-er. As far as our television/movie viewing goes, there are two important issues I want to discuss. The first one has to do with deference; a vital part of respect. Are you aware of your husband’s eyes when you watch TV or go to the movies? Do you curtail your own viewing in response to his needs? If you do, tell him what you’re doing. If you don’t, consider it!
We all know men are wired through their eyes. They know we are extremely body conscience. If he loves you (& that’s most of our husbands here), they will probably not tell you they are struggling in this area out of respect for you. They wouldn’t want to make us feel bad about our bodies & more self-conscious, so they just don’t bring it up or make notice of it. But for 99% of red-blooded American men, when a bra commercial comes on the screen, or a show comes on with some girl in a bikini, they struggle!
To help us better understand, let’s turn the tables a minute. Let’s suppose you have a food issue. (I often equate food for women with s*x for men – most have issues in one fashion or another in these areas whether they talk about it or not.) If you were on a diet & really trying to lose weight & your husband had the TV on the Food Channel constantly, or a show with constant commercials for Krispie Kreme & Taco Bell, would that bother you? Would you feel a little (or a lot) uncared for? Unsupported? Unloved? Well, he feels disrespected in much the same way when we watch shows with no regard for his needs. Take Dances With the Stars for instance. It’s a seemingly good show – dancing, music, classy! But look at what those girls are wearing!! Don’t tell me your husband doesn’t struggle while you watch that show. Ask him. If he hasn’t told you, it’s probably out of embarrassment or not wanting you to get on his case or not wanting to hurt your feelings. Out of love & respect for him, keep your eyes keenly aware of these things. Don’t ask him to go see a movie where there will be scenes in it that will cause him to stumble. Do your homework. Find out what those movies have in them with sites like Plugged In On Line. Turn the shows off that show half dressed women. Keep that remote handy, don’t get up & go get some popcorn during the commercials. Turn the channel when those commercials come on.
And let me tell you, you have to be ALERT these days! Shampoo & pizza even use s*x to sell. It is everywhere in our culture & you never know when it’ll pop up next. Think about what a struggle that is for your God-fearing husband! Think about your sons & protect them, too! Take steps to guard their eyes in a respectful way. Don’t think of them as “pigs” for this. It’s the way God made them – it’s a great thing with self-control. God made you to retain fat for childbearing – do you want them thinking of you as a pig for a few extra pounds on your body when you don’t show self-control in that area? Then don’t pull that on them. Create a haven in your home for your man & boys. They have to struggle out in the world all day long; don’t make them have to when they try to relax at home beside you on the couch as well.
Pray over the men in your life about this. Cover them in prayer. Hold their arms up in this battle as Aaron & Hur did for Moses. Prayer does change things & bring encouragement, support, etc. Be alert in public. When you are walking along the street & some swanky girl is swinging her back porch swing in front of you, if you notice, don’t you think your man is noticing, too? Pray for him right then & there. Lag further back or get ahead of her so his eyes don’t have to be glued on her. If there’s an immodest teen in your church, don’t sit your family in the pew right behind her. Be aware. Prayerfully consider how you can help her know what’s going on. Maybe talk with her mother in love? Maybe just pray for her in love? If you have a relationship with her & can in love, talk with her about it. If it’s an issue in your church, perhaps talk with other women about addressing it in a group. But certainly respect your man enough to find a different seat! Got it? I gave a few examples, now you can think of your own situations.
If your husband isn’t “struggling” in this area & is just not dealing with his sin here, do not judge him, PRAY for him! I know I for one have not always dealt with my sin with food. There have been times in my life I didn’t struggle with it at all; just didn’t feel like dealing with it. I am so thankful my husband didn’t get all judgmental & in my face with me! Rather, he prayed for me, and waited for God to convict me in this area. It didn’t take long. It doesn’t mean I am perfect either. God continues to work on me as my husband encourages the steps forward, & prays when I step backward. I am blessed! Bless your man that way. Be his best friend in this area, not his enemy.
Most of you can probably understand the whole food issue thing to some degree. If you don’t struggle with food in any way, I am sure there is another area you can relate to; we are ALL born sinners. Is it your mouth? Attitude? Pride? Gossip? Bitterness? Anger? Search your heart. Find the area, then put yourself & struggle in your husband’s shoes. It really helps to understand where he’s coming from.
Here are a few verses to meditate on in this area…
Proverbs 27:12 – “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.”
Romans 14:13-19 – “So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. I know and am convinced on the authority of the Lord Jesus that no food, in and of itself, is wrong to eat. But if someone believes it is wrong, then for that person it is wrong. And if another believer is distressed by what you eat, you are not acting in love if you eat it. Don’t let your eating ruin someone for whom Christ died. Then you will not be criticized for doing something you believe is good. For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you serve Christ with this attitude, you will please God, and others will approve of you, too. So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.”
Exodus 17:10-13 – “So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.”
You knew this was coming, didn’t you? Have you felt the shove yet, out of your comfort zone? This respect thing sure doesn’t come naturally, especially to us twenty-first century American women. It’s not easy, but going counter-culture here has so many rewards! Try it & see.
As I look ahead to the culture our children will be marrying into, I must write down these thoughts & insights God has shown me over the years. All around us there are hurting homes, troubled marriages, strife & discord. Even in Christian homes! Why is that? What are we doing wrong? Should we continue to do what everyone else is doing; to swim up a losing stream? That just ain’t smart. What do I need to do to change our home? How do I, even now, prepare our daughter & sons for a strong marriage in the face of a culture that is shredding marriages apart around them? Chances are great that my future daughters-in-law will not come from intact homes. How can I help them learn how to love my sons in a non-threatening way? That’s a big part of what these assignments are all about.
We are strangers in this land & looking stranger all the time, but just remember, as the dark gets darker, so the light shines brighter! Shine those lights, ladies!! That’s what we’re here for. Don’t look at me like I have four heads as I suggest these things – try them & see what happens. Ask God to help us understand this whole respect thing so we can love our men the way He designed.
Okay, so here’s the third challenge: Find out what his top four priorities are & think about new steps you can take to help him achieve his goals. Be his cheerleader! This assignment will look very different for each woman. For you, it might mean getting up earlier to help him get to work on time unrattled – fix him breakfast, iron his clothes, help him gather his stuff. It could mean mowing the lawn for him so he has time to play with the children. I’m not asking if you feel like it, I’m telling you it’s what you need to do as his wife. And I’m not saying it’ll be easy. It may be something huge like giving up the job you’ve had for years. Is that his priority for your family or yours (see dare #2)? Are you willing to give up even perhaps your standard of living for this? Just a thought. Ask him what his four big rocks are on his “rock list” (see yesterday’s post) & spend some time today thinking how you can help him accomplish those priorities. Remember that God loves a cheerful giver. :]
Do not listen to our culture who would tell you you’re a doormat for doing these things! You are not. This is not some cult-ish assignment. It is your calling if you are married. Period. Some Scripture to reflect upon…
Genesis 2:18 – “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
1 Corinthians 7:34 – “But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.”
Romans 12:2 – “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
1 Corinthians 3:18, 19 – “Stop deceiving yourselves. If you think you are wise by this world’s standards, you need to become a fool to be truly wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, “He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness.”
Colossians 2:8,9 – “Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.”
1 Peter 2:9 – “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
Ephesians 3:14-21 – “When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.”
Hebrews 12:12,13 – “So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”
2 Corinthians 9:7 – “You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.”
Matthew 5:13-16 – “You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless. You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.”
If you’ve not read or heard about the Big Rocks & Jar of life, go read it, then come back to this post. Now, this one is a two parter, so I’ll post part one today & part two hopefully tomorrow.
Part one: Ask your husband what the top four Big Rocks should be in your life. What does he think/feel you should put as top priority in your life? What are the first four “rocks” you should be putting in your jar according to your husband? Then compare what he says with what you are actually making top priority with your daily choices. Are there any changes you need to make in order to respect your husband in this area? If they don’t match, who do you think should win? To help you decide, keep these verses in mind…
Philippians 2:2-6 – “Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.”
1 Corinthians 10:23,24 – “You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.”
1 Corinthians 11:3 – “But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
Romans 15:2,3 – “We should please others. If we do what helps them, we will build them up in the Lord. For even Christ didn’t please Himself.”
I’m gonna start with an obvious one, but this is one where so many wives miss the mark. Even ones who really love their husbands dearly! Be positive, in your thoughts as well as in your words. Don’t embarrass, insult, or make fun of him even when he’s not around.
Ask yourself, how do others think of my husband based on how I talk about him?
Do you lift him up or tear him down behind his back? I don’t care if you are utterly convinced your husband is a horrible man, you married him so your job is to respect him. (There must be something good about him or you wouldn’t have married him! So, look for & focus on those things. I’ll talk more about that another day.) But for today, let’s meditate on these verses & reflect on our own hearts & mouths…
Proverbs 14:1 – “A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.”
Ephesians 4:29 – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Colossians 4:6a – “Let your conversation be gracious…”
Matthew 12:34b – “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.”
1 Peter 4:8 – “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”
Have you spoken unwisely of your husband when with your girlfriends, sisters, mother? Even worse, with your children? Commit today to take this sin before the Lord & ask Him to create a fresh spirit of respect within you for your husband. Ask Him for help here; He wants your home to be overflowing with love, respect, joy, peace, etc. He’ll help you here if you ask.
Psalm 51:10 – “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.”
James 3:5-12 – “In the same way, the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.”
Proverbs 31:10, 11 – “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more that precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.”
Psalm 19:14 – “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.”
For Club this year, each of the teachers are receiving a copy of The Love Dare, seeing as how Love is the first Fruit of the Spirit & they all intermingle around each other. Good book. Anyway, our Sunday School class is going through Dr. Eggerich’s DVDs on his book Love & Respect. For those of you who’ve read that book, the DVD or conference are about two notches above that even! It really is good. See if you can get to a conference or your church will consider getting the DVDs.
Anywho, all that to say, I am inspired to start a new section on the ol’ blog called the Respect Dare. Each post in this section will challenge us as wives to look for ways to show our men respect & love in practical ways. I want to do that & pass these ideas along to my daughter & future daughters-in-law, so thought I may as well post it for whoever wants to join me. Feel free to comment &/or add ideas. I’ve brainstormed 35 ideas so far, but it will take me awhile to hash those out, so be patient. I’ll post as they work their way out of my brain. : ] This comes from years of watching & relating to my brothers, father, husband, & sons. It’s from years of watching how other women relate to their husbands. When you step back & observe, you learn a lot! There’s also several resources I’ve read over the years. I’ll link a few of them here to whet your appetite:
30 Day Husband Encouragement Challenge
Love & Respect
Created To Be His Help Meet
For Women Only
Warning: This is not a PC dare.
Stay tuned for part one in the next few days, maybe even today depending on how much else I get done on the list.
